I want to congratulate all of you who did not/do not use alcohol or drugs to dampen, hide, or bury your emotions. To you who have the courage feel and deal with those feelings, be proud.
I hid, buried, dampened and killed everything except love, happiness and anger. Most of my anger came from fear. Although I have been sober for six years, I am still infantile in my emotions. Feelings that most people dealt with in high school, I am dealing with now. It is hard to explain. For the past 6 years, I have been filled with wonder and awe at the world around me, like a kid in a candy store. But when it comes to uncomfortable feelings -ones that make me feel sad, jittery, nervousness, give a tightening in the stomach, and/or a shortness of breath – I’m still learning to put those into words. Sometimes they are so very new that I either can’t find the words to describe them or I don’t recognize them. I just know I feel uncomfortable. During the first couple of years in my recovery, I would go away by myself and sort them out – own them, you might say. But this is not always possible. Sometimes the people in my life want me to stay and talk through them – scary stuff!
It must sometimes be hard for the people in my life to adapt. I’m a 40 year old women and the President of my own company, but when it comes to emotions, I’m new. My motto was always, “Be brave, even if you’re not – no one can tell the difference.” Now, my motto is, “It is okay to be afraid, I am safe.”
My newest emotion is jealousy. I remember feeling the inklings of it over the years, but usually I could drink it away or drink whoever caused it away. I’ve looked up the definition: Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Even as I know there is no cause for jealousy, it still makes me sick to my stomach. This is part of my growing process. I’ve had to experience so many ‘un-comforts’ over the past 6 years. It is so hard not to hide from it.
For me, new emotions start with some discomfort and usually a feeling that I should go – away – quickly – it is so hard to stay and feel. Sometimes I cry or get short, but not because of the situation or the people in it - but, because I’m SO uncomfortable in my own skin.
I am so very lucky to be loved so deeply by so many. The hardest part of my emotion battle, is to NOT let the people around me feel responsible or answerable for my ‘feelings’. After all, I’m not even sure what they are. It’s easy to forget – for them not to realize that I’m not really sure how I feel – just that I am feeling. Sometimes, I’m just trying it on for size. My outer self may not be in-line with my inner self – I’m still figuring it out. I think, at times, my people take on too much from me – I may even try to make them own it, but I don’t mean to. I don’t always understand how I feel and why I feel that way or what caused the feelings. It’s just that I’ve never bothered to feel.
The biggest thing I’ve learned is 99.9% of my Anger came from Fear – as do most of the new “uncomfortable” feelings. And… fear is can be tamed by shining the light on it.
The nice part of all this is…. I am a 40 year old that has not been stained by the world. I am not cynical or sarcastic....
Everything is new, fresh, and oh so awesome!
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