My Skinny Sexy Self

I recently took the course Sex & Money, which truly was a compliment to the Course Dances with Shadow (ExcellenceNW.org).
I believe... the shadow I've been hiding is my Skinny Sexy Self. Sexy used to be a term people used to describe me like they use cheerful now ... except then although I was good-natured; I wasn't cheerful; I was tipsy to drunk. For years, alcohol gave me courage to move forward as I shared my mind with constant shame & fear.
In 2004, I quit drinking. I've felt like rose bloom who's tried to become a bud again, for fear of not knowing how to own/stand-in my own power. I have been playing it 'small' in my personal life - trying not to be seen - trying to blend in - gaining weight, stopping my hips from swaying, not wearing jewelry, seldom wearing makeup, wearing big clothes - systematically hiding from who I am physically and emotionally.
And it worked … for what I needed. It kept me safe until I was able to do the work: to know myself better; to face my fears; to release the skeletons from the closet; to see myself at my core - for who I am, to accept myself at that place, to love myself more today than ever before.
I know now that my unknowing and fear is what attracted men who took advantage, abused and tormented me - I have relived my formative relationships over & over.  I see my actions in my results, actions that no longer serve me.
Hello World! Here I come ;)

Change Your Life Not Your Location - You Can't Move Away From Yourself

I've heard it so many times. How unhappy some one is. How if they just moved some where else. Everything would be different. They'd have  a change. Life would be different. It makes me sad to hear because I know from experience, change starts right here; right now.

This is what I do when I'm not happy where I'm at and I don't know what to do next....

1- I pick one thing IN my control - like cleaning or exercise - working out,  jogging, biking
2- I commit to a specific schedule. I set a time for it to happen - 20 or 30 minutes on Monday, Wednesday & Saturday at 9am for a duration of time not less than 3 weeks.

I select exercise because it helps us naturally release endorphins which makes us feel good. When we feel better (at an inner/deeper level) everything gets better; We see more opportunities and are able to deal with negative and hard things more easily.
The other reason I select a exercise rather than a different location is because every where I go, there I am. Meaning, If I get 'sick of the shit' here, where I live now; I will take that unease - my dissatisfaction - with me. If I only change my location, after the newness wears off, I will experience the same feelings - back at square one.

There are some rules for this commitment  to work.
1- I must set a schedule - IE: Mon, Wed & Sat at 9am.
2- I must make it doable and DO IT. Do it even when I don't want to. Even when I'm sick - no matter what.
2- I must select a time frame- at least 3 weeks. It is imperative that I pick time frame that will help me get in to a routine..

I believe my confidence or 'self-worth' is directly related to the degree in which I trust myself; can rely upon myself ; and do what I say I'm going to do. Especially when it's myself I'm commuting to. Not keeping my word with my self is trust wrecking at my core. It doesn't matter how insignificant it seems - any and everything I tell myself I'm going to do/not do and then don't follow through on- weakens me from the inside out.
It won't work if I miss any schedule or blow it off. If, at the beginning, from not being in the routine, I miss once, I will immediately go do it. It is counterproductive to break this agreementt. Subconsciously, I will lose trust in myself. Become less capable in my own mind.

This is why I pick a length of time. At the end of time frame, I can evaluate how it's going. Do I want to do more, less, would different days work better? I can then renegotiate the agreement I made with myself. I might also say, this isn't working for me; stop all together and choose a different task.

So I suggest if you  are truly .looking for change in your life, you start by committing to one thing that will serve you and do it well. It is the day to day things that build a life we are happy in. You have the power to change your life - Now - at this moment.

The benefit from self-reliance is increased self confidence.